So yes, life. Many things have been going on in this little brain of mine. Most things I keep to myself and I only indulge my secrets to a chosen few and the events of late are no exception. (and no I'm not pregnant.) The past few months have been an endless roller coaster of navigating my family though these difficult waters of trying to find what is best for us all. Being a woman who holds great weight in her relationship with God and how that fits in with everything else brings a whole different dynamic to it all. Dare I say "complicates" things. I'm always trying to do what is right by Him and live in obedience. Ahhh what a dreadful word obedience. So this is what obedience has been looking like for me lately. Back in June I applied for a job. Prior to that we had taken Financial Peace University and I thought that maybe I should go back to work to help aid in our debt tackling process. Now this wasn't just any run of the mill job. This job was tailored for me. It was perfect. It was something I was good at---something I had already done. So I applied leaving it "all in God's hands". Weeks went by and in that time I started to assess what having a job would mean. I would have to sacrifice a lot of time--time away from my boys. Before I was even pregnant I expressed to Spud how important it was to me that I stay home with my kids-rather than work and put them in day care. Now this is not at all degrading those who do choose to work outside the home because I think that is totally fine. We each have our own ways of doing things-or some people just simply don't have a choice and that is understandable...but this is just the way I personally felt. I have wanted to be a mom ever since I could remember and I wanted to be one that stayed home. So that is what we decided together.
Now the last year really made me reconsider this decision. I've felt guilty while my husband toils to barely support his family. So I saw this job as a way of relieving that sense of guilt. I mean maybe God was giving me this perfect job as a way of helping us out! But it became harder and harder as time went on...and I kept thinking of what my original goals were for my family and how I had deviated so far from them. But I thought it wouldn't hurt to go in for the interview when they called. I still wanted all the options on the table. To really assess the situation. So when they called a month later, I went. Praying that I would get a sense of what I was supposed to do-that He would direct my path. As I sat and answered the interview questions...it became more and more clear that my job was to be with my kids. To nurture their minds, as well as their bodies and souls. It overwhelmed me almost to the point of tears. So I left the interview knowing in my heart what my path was. So I began to pray that they wouldn't offer me the job if I wasn't supposed to take it. I mean who doesn't want the easy way out? The next day I was reading in 1 Samuel, about obedience. The Lord directed Saul to destroy all of the Amalekites--leaving no trace of them behind. However Saul disobeyed and chose to keep all of the good sheep and cattle for sacrifices to the Lord. Samuel then rebuked Saul telling him that obedience is better than sacrifice. I knew as I was reading that I was going to be offered the job. And I knew in my heart that obedience meant declining the position.
So when they called today and told me I had the job I burst into tears...why can't life be easy! Why can't these things just work themselves out! Why do I have to learn about obedience! I hate letting people down. I don't like saying no. I am one of those people pleasers. So saying no means going against what is comfortable...it means being obedient
I know people probably think I'm crazy. We need money-jobs get you money (
So tonight I asked God for His peace...that in His word He would give me something to hold on to when the doubts came...because they have already come and this is what I read:
1 Corinthians 18 Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. 19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their own craftiness”; [a] 20 and again, “The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile.”[b] 21 Therefore let no one boast in men. For all things are yours: 22 whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas, or the world or life or death, or things present or things to come—all are yours. 23 And you are Christ’s, and Christ is God’s.
He has it under control. I have to trust that if I am obedient that He will provide my family what we need...and that's what I'm trying to do. It's not always all about the money-in fact it rarely is. For me it's doing what I'm called to do-to be a Mom.
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